2005-08-30 - Underground Tour
{NB: This tour occured neither on August 30, nor at noon. Go figure}Ladies and Gentlemen, and those of you who still can't find Carman, back despite the smartest freshman class in Columbia history until next year, the Cleverest Band in the world, the Columbia University Disorientation Precision Marching 5000.
[Fanfare]
J. Zach Leiwant- Crew Chief
J. PJ Berg- Boundary Breaker
and
J. John Jay Hall- Just like prison, but with fewer toilets.
[Fanfare]
And featuring... freshmen entering their first years and first-years entering their first freshmen, welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, urbane, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic, College Walk where we're sure that you'll now be shown the side of Columbia that the admissions office never dared nor cared to tell you about...
[Play Who Owns New York. Walk to Hamilton Hall.]
This here is Hamilton Hall, named for Columbia’s pride and joy, Alexander Hamilton, except it wasn’t named Columbia when he went here, and he didn’t really technically graduate because he got high and totally forgot about the swim test. Hamilton Hall is an important campus landmark to remember, because it’s right across the street from Hamilton Deli, which sells humorously named sandwiches and also doesn’t card when you buy beer. Most of your core classes will be in here, but it turns out if you just read the SparkNotes and show up for the midterm and the final, you’re pretty much guaranteed a B, so don’t worry too much about that. In honor of grade inflation, the band now plays Livin on a Prayer to Pass Lit Hum
[Play Prayer. Walk to Van Am Quad.]
Many buildings on the campus were named after distinguished alumni of the College such as Alexander Hamilton, Sam Philosophy, Dave Mathematics, and Joe East Campus. To your right is Wallach Hall. It used to be called Livingston Hall, just like Wien Hall used to be Johnson Hall. You see, Samuel Johnson and Robert Livingston were Columbia alumni who signed the Declaration of Independence, while Larry Wien and Ira Wallach were Columbia alumni who signed some REALLY big checks. In honor of these great alumni...and their checkbooks we will now play Secret Alumni Man.
[Play Secret Agent Man. Walk across Butler to F.B.H.]
At this point of the tour, we we're going to do a joke about Lerner Hall, but since you've already been inside of it...it's just not necessary.
[Move up path to Journalism Hall.]
The Journalism Building you see before you was built with a grant from Joseph Pulitzer who obviously gave enough money to have the building built, but not enough to have it named after him. Columbia's most recent successful athlete, Lou Gehrig, used to play baseball on a field where John Jay now stands. In his honor, the dining hall serves their patented Iron Horse Burgers every Tuesday for dinner. Anyway, legend has it that Lou Gehrig hit a home run and broke that window [Band points to various windows] in the Journalism Building. To commemorate this historic event we will now play one of our favorites...Iron Man!
[Play Iron Man! Move to Dodge Hall.]
This is Dodge Hall. It is home of Columbia's finest musicians, as well as some members of the Marching Band. This building, however, is not entirely devoted to music -- It also houses several modern composers...We'll wait for you to get that one. This building also houses the film school which was once chaired by Milos Foreman who, as you may recall, directed the award-winning film Amadeus, Some critics have described the film which depicts the rivalry between Mozart and Scalieri as a brilliant portrayal of a contest between two artists. Others simply see it as a case of pianist envy. In honor of conceptual art the Band will now play their rendition of John Cage's 4'33".
[Band stands around looking puzzled (for some amount of time less than 4 minutes and 33 seconds). Move to Barnard gates.]
This is Barnard College!
[Pause. Move to Uris Hall.]
This is Uris Hall. Home of the Graduate School of Business. The building said to portray the economic realities of the business world because it looks like a cheap Chinese transistor radio and the sculpture in front of it resembles a bent paperclip.
[Move Schapiro Center.]
Behind us is the relatively new Schapiro Center for Physical Science and Engineering Research. It represents yet another escalation in the battle between Morris Schapiro and Larry Wien to see who can get more of the campus named after him. Rumor has it, that in yet another effort to save money, the University built the Schapiro Center with the bricks that kept falling off East Campus. In honor of one more architectural monstrosity we would now like to play Pink Floyd's Another Brick in the Wall, but, since we can't, we'll now play Sweet Child of Mine.
[Play Child... Move to Kent Hall]
This is Kent Hall. It houses the East Asian studies department, which is boring and un-news worthy. Kent Hall also houses the Middle Eastern Studies Department, which is boring but extremely newsworthy. It’s the site of much controversy, as Jewish students claim that some Muslim professors discriminate against them, and the Muslim professors deny it, but then there was some weird documentary made by an outside group saying that the professors actually did discriminate against the Jewish students, and then President Bollinger decided to snap into action by forming a Blue Ribbon Panel to issue a report, which nobody read but everyone hated anyway. It’s like our own little version of the Gaza Strip: the situation too confusing for most people to follow, both sides seem like they have a point, and everyone pretends to be interested but secretly doesn’t care. The marching band isn’t taking sides, it seems like it would piss off both parties to play Hava Nagila, so here we go
[Play Hava. Go to Greene Hall]{Or just remain in front of Kent Hall, because we were close to Low Plaza and didn't feel like going out of our way}
This statue is one of many that grace the Columbia campus. It is called Pegasus Taming Bellerephon, but is more commonly known as Human-esque figure Sodomizing a Horse. It's strange that they would put such a work in front of the Law School, as it depicts an act that is illegal in thirty-seven states, and the District of Columbia. In honor of animal husbandry, the band now plays Love Shack
[Play Shack. Go to tooth]
Hey Boys and Girls! What time is it? {Band answers "It's time to turn the tooth"}
[Turn tooth.. Move to Alma Mater.] {Or, remain standing in front of Kent Hall, visualize moving the tooth, and then walk to Low Plaza}
This is Low Library, the administrative nerve center of the University. A few years ago, there was a great controversy over a Christmas nativity scene some students wanted to erect on Low Plaza. The trustees overruled the plan saying that they did not want to brush tradition by having wise men anywhere near Low Library. Well, there you have it. Columbia...an eccentric little place. It's got a sundial that doesn't tell time, a Marching Band that doesn't march, a library that isn't really a library, which houses an administration that doesn't really, well, you get the idea. One final tradition that should be mentioned relates to this statue. It is said that anyone who can find the owl on Alma Mater is destined to join the Band. Thus we will leave you with one final song and a small hint...
[Band points to owl, and plays Sans Souci. Run Away!]